Fabricated Echolalia: Abuses of a broken system

In part one, I elaborated on my background and former (to current) experiences as a parent. I also feel it’s necessary to discuss the deceptive practices of some elected parents within the Autism communities. This is not a witch hunt, it is simply some observations from my experiences with narcissistic parents. Many parents of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) children struggle with the societal ignorances and prejudices that make our lives a cluster frock of a nightmare. (I.E. Flying with your ASD child can be nerve-wracking for some parents, while with others it has been simply frustrating.)

There is a weight that every parent carries to begin with, you want what is best for your children and their development. If you’re an exceptional parent you want to provide every opportunity, come hell or high water. This is what ASD parents have in common with the neurotypical parent.

We all want what is best for our kids.

The difference between neurotypical vs non-neurotypical children is the necessity of services, therapies and assistance required for the success of a non-neurotypical child. There is an endless need in some cases. But just as this additional attention is necessary, there is also a need for honesty. The amount of positive or negative attention having a child with special needs may bring can be overwhelming. Thankfully, I am already a people person. Otherwise this process would be painful, however it has had its ups’ and downs’.

Carefully I yielded back from the autism community, only reading the occasional postings on social media, articles or events being held. I made note of a small handful of people, usually mothers, who consistently post “GoFundMe” requests, invitations to special paid events for autistic kids. This perked at the red flags often associated with snake oil salesmen. So I observed and read for many months. I still remained somewhat off the online social radar, I couldn't completely place it but something was…off.

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Tantrums Versus Meltdowns {Illustrative} Autism Daddy, 2015.

My form of parenting, even with my young son, is almost identical to my parenting of my oldest son. I conform to my son’s “mental age” as opposed to his physical age. (I.e. My son was five when he was diagnosed but his mental age was 2 years old- now two years later he is at a three year old mental level with interventions). I discipline as necessary, not excessively. We push him when we can, yield back when we need. This is called picking our battles.

Needless to say, we have read plenty of literature about autism and discipline. But in the end, you have to utilize common sense and not simply excuse ALL poor behavior as acceptable. They know when they are pushing the buck, all you need to do is give them the “mom look” and stay consistent on your follow up to poor behavior. (Such as lying or hitting their siblings). 

When ASD kids are in the middle of an actual meltdown or real moment of disconnection (whether from the fight or flight mode resulting from too much stimulation or simply a bad day) you must separate them from the situation and provide a quiet place for them to detox. Our son opts for his room, minus any visitors. He has his time with his straw collection, angry birds or Mario karts, and boom...after an hour or two he is back on track.

{Illustrative} Autism with a side of fries.

This seems simplistic, it can be sometimes. Keep in mind that what may work today, may not work tomorrow. That’s where - the crazy mornings, phone calls from the school midday and random acts of your kid streaking naked occur.  

I digress, there are some really wonderful resources in the online autism community that have been a God-send. However, it was what I was able to connect to the real world offline that upset me.

To take a moment here and step back. I acknowledge legitimately that many parents in the past (even now) have been accused of Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy (MSBP) when their children have Autism. The important aspect to this is the involvement of professional doctors, therapists and advocates. An accredited diagnosis by a University and additional screenings by specialists of said field. Keep in mind, these are the avenues of defense for assistance, referral and waivers for not just the children but for their families. That's the climate we live in. 

Historically the medical institutions blamed mothers for the lack of warmth their children displayed and any resulting behavioral issues were of her doing. Also referred to as "refrigerator mothers".  Women...the punching bag of pablum. Thanks, I appreciate the medical legacy of standards.

Recently an incident stirred such anger in me, all I could do was curse. Perhaps you are familiar with this form of rage induced anger. The form of intense anger where you create new curse words and flourishing expressions that would make even the most brutal dictator blush. However, I have elected NOT to share the full story but instead point out common sense flags of situations I've encountered from parents, administrators to underscored therapists. Please keep in mind I will be referencing parents who claim their children are autistic but seek no treatments, therapies or assistance. They just cling to the title to permit unwarranted allowances. Yeah, we all know someone. Moving on: We need a list outlining when there is a problem within the community. Common sense red flags that should be noted and reflected on. Rules of engagement, if you will.  I am tired, it's late and I am bitching on the internet...Let's do this.

COMMON SENSE RED FLAGS IN THE AUTISM COMMUNITY

Red Flag #1 : A parent's Inflated sense of entitlement, ego, judgement and/or importance (unmerited or merited). Be humble, I know it's not trendy but it's more genuinely respected. 

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Red Flag #2: Attention-Seeking for the petty sake of an audiences' sympathy. (Good or Bad-attention is still attention) 

Red Flag #3: Your child is special just like everyone else's child. Your child is not a special snowflake, nor are you. Their needs are unique, difficult at times but that does not institute a free pass in life. Life is cruel, life is real. Our jobs are to prepare our children for a difficult world. No matter how long it may take to get there. 

Red Flag #4: Autism does not cause a marriage to fall apart, having a fucked up marriage to begin with does. Calling that for what it is, Autism Speaks. You fucking idiots.

Red Flag #5: Showcasing your accomplishments through your child is self-serving. Go to therapy, for yourself. PLEASE.

Red Flag #6: Living vicariously through your children will lead them to health problems, behavioral problems or suicide. STOP IT.

Red Flag #7: Autism is not an excuse to be a victim, it is not an excuse for your child to harm others and it is not a crutch to avoiding moral consequences for poor decisions in parenting. Go to parenting classes, get some counseling or simply read a damn book. You apologize for the rough days your child has, you take accountability for the hurt feelings they may cause. Yes, they cannot always help it. However, you can work with your child to help them understand what hurts others. They are capable, but you have to remain consistent.

Red Flag #8: Every form of Autism is different, thus the word "Spectrum". As a parent you know your child best, however it does NOT make you an expert on every form of Autism. The title of "asshole" can be bestowed upon you at any given time.

Red Flag #9: You are not the voice of Autism, you are one of the voices. ("One of" references a group.) I did not elect a fucking president of Autism. 

Red Flag #10: Victimizing or Villainizing other ASD parents doesn't help the cause. It merely adds to the pablum in the community. We have enough to worry about, so move along. Nothing to see here.

Red Flag #11: If your child does not have Autism, no medically accredited diagnosis but instead a parental "self diagnosis",  STOP IT.

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Red Flag #12:  Don't exploit your child for the purposes of money, fame or showboating.

Red Flag #13: I don't care if you are Republican or Democrat, I don't care who your professional or personal associations are. If you think I must choose a side politically to make a difference in the community, that's adorable.

Red Flag #14: Not all parents of Autistic children are bad parents, there are bad parents generally. However, the illusions are either exceptionally left- "Oh, you're a strong parent, a great parent...because you have a special needs child." or exceptionally right- "You don't know how to parent at all!" My answer- There are crappy parents and there are fantastic parents, that's just life. Sometimes we land in the middle and you know what? That's okay, there isn't a perfect rule book. But there is this thing called common sense.

Red Flag #15: Staying active in your child's educational career is vital to their success, which means parents go without if necessary to accommodate their child's needs. I'm pretty sure they call this parenting, I don't suffer for these sacrifices I suffer for the pain autism causes my child. There are the parents who have the illusion that they can have it all and everything will turn out fine. But there are sacrifices we must make as parents. Everyone has different abilities, options and supports. We cannot expect anyone to pick up what we fail to do. That's life. Snowflakes need not apply.

Red Flag #16: Hardships are common on the therapy road, don't tell me how medication has fixed all of your child's problems. Fixed is a variable term, it is also an illusion in ever changing climate. I have to say this, medication is not a cure it is a Band-Aid to a broken arm.

Red Flag #17: Articles, Journals, Publications are all great! However, what the hell are we doing? Yes, I have read that medical story about enzymes and autism. Yes, I have read that CNN expose on the rise of autism. Now that we are all educated about the crisis, what do we do now?

Oh... Well, I guess I will go bitch on the internet.

Red Flag #18:  STOP ASKING ASD PARENTS STUPID QUESTIONS.  

"No, I wouldn't change my mind about having my son if I knew he was going to be autistic."  Oh, God. Here we go.

"As a personal choice, I don't support abortion."  

"No, I am pro-choice." I said choice, right? Why can't I make my damn decision?

"Yes, I do love my son as I do my other children." This isn't 'Rain Man'.

"Of course they love their brother." What? 

"Yes, I believe we should find a cure or at least preventive measures." Because my son suffers. That's why.

"Yes,  Neuro Diversity is a wonderful thing, I accept my son for who he is. However, I believe in finding answers and solutions." Because I love my son.

Question of Rebuttal: Do you always ask asshole questions or is today special? 

Red Flag #19: We appreciate your concern for ASD children. However, do NOT pretend to be an accredited expert. Do NOT pretend to be a M.D. with a certificate from Doc McStuffins Academy. Accredited educational/medical support is always appreciated. The peanut gallery commentary, go to social media and dance all you want.

Red Flag #20: Life is complicated enough without assholes, try not to be one.

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Coming from the position of a parent, of a ASD child (see previous posting for that information), I am hurt often by this sense of ignorance. The good intentions of others are always appreciated, but often they are overshadowed by the those running around waving their little flags of idiocy . I often do say something to these individuals, only to hear a rebuttal of embracing neurodiversity. I could rant all day, but in the end I can only voice my opinions on it and move on. Hoping that it broadens the minds of those who simply accept what they are hearing as truth. When it is far from it. Not everything is black and white, I wish it were in some ways but realistically that's not how the world works.

There are plenty of parents who work to better their ASD children, but unfortunately due to poor publicity and highly funded groups...parents are either villainized or victimized. So, as a brief overview here. 

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THERE IS NO EXCUSE to harm yourself or your children.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE to blame the parents every time.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE to ignore real parents of ASD from the asshole ones.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE that money solves everything.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE that autism continues to be downplayed in it's level of crisis.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE that resources are unavailable, limited  or cut from funding in the United States.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE that there is no cure. And only money to be made.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE to dismiss the threat of autism to you or your family.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE that parents feel they must silently suffer while others take advantage of an already BROKEN SYSTEM.

I am sick of the excuses, the politics and the propaganda of Autism awareness and societal standards lying in welcomed ignorance. Sure, I could wear a little ribbon and spend the rest of my life (and my son's life) advocating. But in the end, I demand it and I will change it. One person at a time. When it comes to those authentically seeking to gain unwarranted attention for their parental "self diagnosed" autistic child, you assholes make the rest of us pay a heavy price. Parent your children and try some self help books. 

Is that politically correct? 

No?

Good, and if you don't like it- fuck yourselves twice.